Did You Know I Would Miss You?

"When I first set out to write this book a few months after my brother Stephen’s suicide in May of 2004, I thought it would be relatively straightforward. I had made a career as an educational writer, I wrote Let’s Live, a teacher’s resource to prevent teen suicide, which is still being used in schools throughout the world, and I wrote Living and Dying: The Human Journey for the Open Learning Agency in Vancouver, BC, Canada. I wasn’t afraid to talk about death and, as a woman on the sunset side of midlife, I figured I had lived long enough that I could readily give form to this event in a way that would help people facing a similar loss.

How wrong I was.

It has been more than humbling to realize that the person I have most needed to reach in the wake of Steve’s suicide is me. Not the writer who has served a lengthy apprenticeship with words. This self is at best an employee, at times an annoying employee who thinks she knows more than she does. The one I have most needed to reach is the young girl in me who has been crushed and silenced by sorrow. Silenced by the suicide of her little brother, her companion-at-arms..."

Donaleen Saul

"When my sister, Kathy, and I emptied out the back of his old halfton truck, a well-read copy of Ulysses, novels by some of the best Canadian authors like David Adams Richards and Alastair MacLeod, as well as classic works by Edgar Allan Poe and William Blake, came tumbling out of weathered, slightly mildewed cardboard boxes. Words were Steve’s passion and his sanctuary. But when he chose to leave this life behind, he did not leave a note. In his final moments, words must have failed him...

 

On healing loss by suicide…

Calgary Health Region. Hope and Healing: A Practical Guide for Survivors of Suicide, 2003

Clemons, James T., editor. Sermons on Suicide. Westminster/John Knox Press: Louisville, KY, 1989

Collins, Judy. Sanity and Grace: A Journey of Suicide, Survival and Strength. Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin: New York, NY, 2003

Doka, Kenneth J., ed. Living with Grief After Sudden Loss. Hospice Foundation of America: Bristol, PA, 1996

Fine, Carla, No Time to Say Good-bye. Broadway Books: New York, NY, 1997

Fine, Carla and Myers, Michael. Touched by Suicide: Hope and Healing After Loss. Gotham Books: New York, NY, 2006

Miller, Sara Swan. An Empty Chair: Living in the Wake of a Sibling's Suicide. Writers Club Press: San Jose, CA, 2000

Rosenfeld, L. and Prupas, M. Left Alive: After a Suicide Death in the Family. Thomas Books: Springfield, Illinois, 1984

Ross, Eleanora Betsy. After Suicide: A Ray of Hope for Those Left Behind. Perseus Publishing: Cambridge, MA, 1997

Smolin, Ann and Guinan, John. Healing After the Suicide of a Loved One. Simon and Schuster: New York, NY, 1993

 

On grief and loss…

Caplan, Sandi and Lang, Gordon. Grief’s Courageous Journey: A Workbook. New Harbinger Publications: Oakland, CA, 1996

Didion, Joan. The Year of Magical Thinking. Vintage/Random House: New York, NY, 2006

Kennedy, Alexandra. The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss. Beyond Words Publishing Inc.: Hillsboro, Oregon, 2001

Levine, Stephen. Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart. Rodale: Emmaus, PA, 2005

Martin, Terry L., Doka, Kenneth J. Men Don’t Cry… Women Do. Brunzel/Mazel: Philadelphia, PA, 2000

Wolfelt, Alan D., Ph.D. The Journey Through Grief: Reflections On Healing. Companion Press: Fort Collins, CO, 2007 (1997)

Wray, T.J. Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies. Three Rivers Press/Random House: New York, NY, 2003

 

On writing and healing…

Adams, Kathleen. Journal to the Self: Twenty-two Paths to Personal Growth. Warner Books: New York, NY, 1990

Adams, Kathleen. Scribing the Soul: Essays in Journal Therapy. Center for Journal Therapy: Denver, CO, 2004

Adams, Kathleen. The Write Way to Wellness: A Workbook for Healing and Change. Center for Journal Therapy: Denver, CO, 2000

Pennebaker, James W. Writing to Heal: A Guided Journal for Recovering from Trauma and Emotional Upheaval. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.: Oakland, CA, 2004

 

On suicide and suicide prevention…

Alvarez. A. The Savage God: A Study of Suicide. Penguin Books: London, UK, 1971

Hillman, James. Suicide and the Soul. Putnam, CT: Spring Publications, Inc., 1997

Jamison, Kay Redfield. Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide. Picador: London, UK, 2000

Shneidman, Edwin S. The Suicidal Mind. Oxford University Press: New York, NY, 1996

Stone, George. Suicide and Attempted Suicide: Methods and Consequences. Carroll & Graf: New York, NY, 1999

Williams, Mark. Suicide and Attempted Suicide. Penguin Books: London, UK, 1997

 

On mental illness…

Solomon, Andrew. The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression. Scribner: New York, NY, 2001

Styron, William. Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness. Random House: New York, NY, 1990

 

On death and dying…

Estes, Clarissa Pinkola. The Radiant Coat: Spiritual Lessons in Myth and Story to Illuminate the Mystery of Dying. (compact disc) Sounds True Audio: Louisville Co, 1993

Levine, Stephen. Who Dies?: An Investigation of Conscious Living and Conscious Dying. Anchor Press/Doubleday: Garden City, NY, 1982

Levine, Stephen. Healing Into Life and Death. Anchor Press/Doubleday: Garden City, NY, 1987

 

Videos…

Aftermath: The Legacy of Suicide, 50 min.Adult children, whose loss of a parent to suicide has been shrouded in secrecy, strive to uncover the truth. www.nfb.ca ...

When a Shadow Crosses the Heart, 2 hr. An exploration of anger, violence, suicide, and healing. www.warmrocktapes.com

Seeing Our Way Through, 30 min.A family struggles to find meaning in the wake of their husband/father’s suicide. www.griefwatch.com

Ordinary People, Feature film. A young man whose brother died by suicide is cast adrift in a family unable to cope. Available in many libraries and video stores.

 

On healing loss by suicide…

www.forsuicidesurvivors.com - Resources for suicide survivors by Ronnie Walker, MS LCPC

www.afsp.org - American Foundation for Suicide Prevention information

 

On writing and healing…

www.journaltherapy.com - Center for Journal Therapy, founded by Kathleen Adams, author of Journal to the Self and The Write Way to Wellness

homepage.psy.utexas.edu/... JWPhome.htm - Reflective writing research leader, Dr. James W. Pennebaker

www.alexandrakennedy.com - Alexandra Kennedy MA, author of The Invisible Thread

www.writetotheheart.com - Ray McGinnis, author of Writing the Sacred

www.thehourstories.com - Dale Adams-Segal, creator of The Hour Stories

 

On grief and loss…

www.compassionatefriends.org - American branch of The Compassionate Friends, an international organization for parents, siblings, and grandparents grieving the loss of a child

www.tcfcanada.net - The Canadian branch of The Compassionate Friends

www.centerforloss.com - Centre for Loss and Life Transition, founded by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, author of several books on grief and loss

 

On suicide prevention…

www.suicideprevention.ca - Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention

www.afsp.org - American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

www.suicidology.org - American Association of Suicidology

www.save.org - Suicide Awareness Voices of Education

www.mentalhealth.org/suicideprevention - National Strategy for Suicide Prevention (US)

www.sprc.org - Suicide Prevention Resource Center

 

Order your signed copy of

Did You Know I Would Miss You?

 

Please select where the book will be shipped:

In this brave and necessary work, Donaleen Saul stares straight into the pain of losing a loved one to suicide. Equal parts memoir and self-help journal guidebook, the story is compelling and the writing prompts are sensitive and artful, gently guiding the reader/writer through the layers and complexities of this very particular grief. For all the broken-hearted who ask themselves the unanswerable questions, Did You Know I Would Miss You? brims with compassion, wisdom, hope, and eventual healing.

Kathleen Adams,
Director, Center for Journal Therapy
Author, The Way of the Journal and Journal to the Self

 

Donaleen Saul’s searingly honest account of her search for meaning after her brother’s suicide leads the reader from the depths of despair to the heights of wonder. If you have lost someone dear to suicide, or by some other means, you will want to return to this guide again and again.

Cathy Sosnowsky,
BC Director of The Compassionate Friends
Author, Holding On: Poems for Alex

 

Donaleen Saul has hit the nail on the head when it comes to the process of grief and grieving, and the issues associated with all the corollary feelings such as anger and shame. She has created a synthesis of healing, using her own personal journey. Her description of the process is easy to read. She models trust to the nth degree.

Liam McEnery
Executive Director
Canadian Mental Health Association (Victoria Branch)

 

I will gladly recommend Did You Know I Would Miss You? to my clients. While it is directed at survivors of suicide loss, people who have experienced loss of a loved one by any form of death will experience a sense of being understood. It is a compelling narrative with useful information woven throughout.

Joanne Fallow
Therapist

 

In this daring work, Donaleen Saul so deeply shares her experience of losing her brother to suicide that we are all reflected in her words. This is a very helpful resource.

Naya Kee
Counsellor

 

Having walked with many people who have suffered when someone close has died by suicide, I found Did You Know I Would Miss You? to be a safe haven for reflection and conversation, and a practical guide for healing at one’s own pace. Using her own story, Donaleen offers images, questions, and activities to help readers unravel their own story of transformation.

Angela Zawadzki, MA MFT

 

As I cope with the suicide of my son a decade ago, and having just read the Introduction and first two chapters, I had to write to Donaleen this afternoon about the impact her book is having on me. I so admire her skill in weaving together her grief, her journal practices, and her brother's life into a helpful guidebook for the comfort of others suffering the loss by suicide of someone they loved. I especially like the frequent, useful journal writing suggestions which the reader is free to use, but not commanded as if it were a school assignment.

Helen Slemons, PhD
Certified Journal to the Self Instructor
Sun City, Arizona

 

One of the things I was aware of as I read Donaleen’s book is how safe I felt reading it. She grounded me as a reader in her own story, her own feelings, the honest "voice" that reflects on many things… (It) is a still point that enabled me as a reader to confront the starkness of what she is writing about.

Ray McGinnis
Author of Writing the Sacred: A Psalm-Inspired Path to Appreciating and Writing Sacred Poetry

 

In reading Did You Know I Would Miss You? I was struck by the clarity of prose and the richness of content regarding how to work through this time of devastation following loss of a beloved… Love is the bond. It's almost like an actual physical process, subject to certain laws and governed by forces we know so little about. Just reading Donaleen Saul’s book is an incredible way of connecting on a soul and emotional and wonderfully human level with all those who take these journeys of profound love.

Pamela McGarry, poet and novelist
Vancouver, BC

 

Someone I love has just died by suicide. I feel so messed up I can’t tell you. What do I do?

Your reaction is completely understandable. It is shattering to lose a loved one to suicide. You need to take extra care of yourself now. Don’t delay getting the help you need. And don’t keep your pain to yourself. You may want to see a counselor who specializes in grief issues. If you don’t know of any counselors, ask for a referral from your doctor. Along with professional support, you may get some benefit from the content and exercises in Chapter Three, Reeling from the Shock.

 

Since my loved one died by suicide, I’m finding it hard to talk to some of my family and friends. What’s going on?

It’s not uncommon to get into conflicts with people who are close to us when a traumatic event occurs. Suicide is a difficult subject for many people. And not everyone responds to grief and trauma in the same way. Some people need to cry and talk about it. Others prefer to retreat into silence. Still others choose to busy themselves with projects and activities. There is no right way to go through this passage. The journaling exercises offered throughout my book, and particularly in Chapter Seven, Resting in the Holy Land of the Heart, can help you access wisdom and compassion for self and others. Also, See Resources for books that offer comfort and guidance in this difficult time.

 

What is wrong with the term, “committed suicide”?

Even though the term is still widely used, I don’t say “committed suicide” anywhere in Did You Know I Would Miss You? because it reflects a time, not that long ago, when suicide was viewed as a crime. The word “commit” is linked with “murder” and “armed robbery.” It is also sometimes associated with the word, “sin.” While you may not consider suicide to be a crime or a sin, language is powerful and can reinforce harmful stereotypes. This is why those in the suicide prevention movement encourage us to say “died by suicide” instead.

 

How can journaling help me deal with this grief I’m feeling?

Recent scientific evidence points to journaling’s role in improving physical, mental, and emotional health. Tests indicate that journaling about traumatic events can strengthen the immune system, improve sleep habits, increase work efficiency, and foster better relationships. The positive effects of journaling are not limited to “writers.” Everyone can benefit. For more information on using journaling to help deal with losing someone to suicide, see the Introduction, Creating Sanctuary; Chapter Two, Taking Refuge in My Journal; and the Appendix, Journal Writer’s Field Guide. Some of the books listed in Resources may also be helpful.

 

Is there a journal-writing exercise that can get me started?

Yes, find a place where you won’t be disturbed. If lighting a candle is possible, do so. Otherwise, don’t worry about it. Just sit for a minute or two, take a few deep breaths, and allow yourself to settle. Then, in your journal, write the phrase, “Right now I feel…” and allow the words to come. Don’t try to shape them or stop them. This is just for you. Just pour your heart out…your hurt, your anger, whatever is there. Write for as little as five minutes and no more than 20 minutes. When you’re done, again take a few deep breaths, and appreciate yourself for taking this important step in your healing.

 

What if I feel stuck and can’t write about my feelings?

There are no “shoulds” in journaling. If reflecting on your feelings is too difficult, you might find it helpful to write a to-do list or a list of ways you can take care of yourself in this difficult time. You deserve it.

 

November 22, 2008 - Book Launch

The public are invited to attend the launch of
Did You Know I Would Miss You? – A Healing Journey.

It will take place on Suicide Survivors Day,
November 22, 2008 from 2-4 PM,
at the Canadian Memorial Centre for Peace,
1825 West 16th Avenue in Vancouver, BC, Canada.
www.canadianmemorial.org

There will be a short program of speakers from the education, bereavement, therapeutic, and faith communities, followed by a reading and signing by the author. Refreshments will be served.

For more information on this year’s 10th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day, go to www.afsp.org...

Invitation PDF, 58KB

News Release PDF, 86KB

Book review by Penelope Joy PDF, 40KB

 

December 5, 2008 - Talk

Canadian Federation of University Women. Donaleen will speak at the December 5 meeting of CFUW, Richmond Branch, which has chosen Did You Know I Would Miss You? for their book club (members only).

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Donaleen Saul is a Vancouver-based life coach specializing in grief, transitions, and writing. She is also a teacher, workshop facilitator, and writer, who has written several publications in the social services and human development fields.

In June of 2008, Donaleen introduced Did You Know I Would Miss You? at an international conference, “The Power of Writing,” hosted by the Center for Journal Therapy in Denver, Colorado.

Contact Donaleen if you would like to have her speak or give a seminar for your bereavement group, book club, school, association, organization or conference, or to offer a private coaching session by telephone.

 

Donaleen Saul

#33073, 1583 Marine Drive
West Vancouver, BC V7V 4W7
CANADA

604-839-7270

info@dsauljourney.com